Day 10 : Its never-ending
Sometimes I feel like I have this intense desire to mess things up, just so I can fix them all over again. Its a demon in my head. Everything is so perfect, almost surreal. I have all I want. Not only that – I also have the attitude where I know its probably not forever. I feel good, even if at times ‘the health’ fails, I think I am holding up good. And now, sitting on my comfy chair, in a room all to myself, doing what I love (and that is editing, just in case your new), I feel strange. And am scared, because I am pretty soon gonna be doing things I will probably regret later. One side of me asks to let go cos its one life to live and the other side is sort of testing me, silently watching, observing and probably even judging.
A month back I had lost my precious diary and that too in office. I got it back a few weeks later, but I was too embarrassed to even read it, because I knew someone probably must have. My first page says – ‘Love. Lust. Life.’ Lust, yes. Imagine what people would imagine in a place like India when they read that. And worse, my last page was about how dumb struck I was when Vinod Chopra acknowledged me for the first time. Its a different thing that recently I got to know that the recognition was probably only for a day, cos he remembers me as ‘the girl with specs’ and doesn’t even what I exactly do in here.
The whole point of the grammatically weak and obnoxious writing was – I feel confused. Again.