Day 9 – A bad hair day or what?

by shalinijena

12th Dec. 2014

Ever since I have joined Vinod Chopra films, I have had this constant fear. I am not sure what it is – anxiety or happiness or the feeling of not wanting to just be lucky. Of course, nobody is just lucky but ‘being at the right place at the right time’ sort of means the same. What if there is nothing more than this?

And this started a few days after I joined this production house. I was working almost directly under Mr. Vinod Chopra, with a lot of talented people and it was amazing and all but at the same time, there was this anxiousness of becoming something I didn’t want to be. Its hard to put into words what that could be, but I will try.

I didn’t want to be a snob. I didn’t want to feel accomplished. Maybe all this fear comes from the fact that a once very dark and gloomy soul of mine feels a lot liberated and its not the first time. On one side there is feeling of hands full of happiness and on the other side, is this fear of losing it all. Its not that easy – to stay grounded. And there is always this hesitation to not say too much that might seem like am boasting and all. But how the hell do you share with that kinda state of mind?

Honestly if you ask me, most of the times its ridiculous. I am not my own boss and even if I don’t want to, I have to care about things I probably don’t. And this is how it works, doesn’t it?

Now when I think of what was happiness and what was not – I can only think of the hills. Even if life was all shitty and confusing and felt that this is perhaps the worst and all that blah – every time I took a walk in that land full of green and unending blue – I was happy. In all that sadness perhaps – I could know what happiness truly meant.

Though I can’t remember how it did.. feel..