Day 7 – 7th november is here

by shalinijena

One and a half months back, I packed my bags and left the city. I had been thinking about it for a long time but I wanted to wait – stick around for sometime, till it gets better. But obviously, it did not.

My Mom used to console me on the phone. ‘Never give up. I don’t want you NOT to become something.’ My friends, supported me but almost reluctantly. I was a mess you see.

If I remember well, I think my head was exploding, heart had a unmeasurable wrenching pain and tears – they never quite left me. Every time I was left alone in a secluded place for half an hour, I would start bawling all over. I pitied myself – my situation and more than that my state of mind.

So, one day, I called my Dad and told him that I was coming. Before he could say another word I started crying – this time to get his goddamn attention. Plus the tears were like the clichéd waterfalls, waiting for the gates of the bloody dam to just open up. He asked me when and I told him as soon as possible. With all my luggage, from clothes to leftover cookies – I packed everything and reached home in a week. Mumbai to Ooty.

So what happened? Why all that drama I just mentioned?

Let’s say when people talk about the world being a dirty place to live in, it all turned out to be fortunately true (I always wanted to know what it was like). I could spend the rest of my life trying to forget it or I could learn from it and just be cool. I tried working on the first part but it doesn’t quite suit me. So, I came here – spent a lot of time doing things I usually like to do but don’t get time to. Like watching a lot of movies, making a lot of notes, reading some non fiction and trying to read novels (but no luck with that yet). I had a good time. I had a beautiful time.

And one fine day, after a fight with my parents I booked my tickets to Mumbai. 7th November. I might think I would have regretted doing that but I did not. I crib, yes. I wish I didn’t have to go back. But, I do want to. If its all worth something, I will know. And if its not, then I will know still.

I don’t think I had ever been like this and I won’t say, I was the only one responsible for it. God, the weakness.. The unnerving feeling of hopelessness. I would never want to go back there again. I might even like to think that am done with perpetual unhappiness. Sadly, there is no magic pill for that.

But am okay.

And that feels good.

You know why its important to face your fear? Just because you don’t want to regret that you never tried. I am not sure if overcoming it is a big deal, maybe I won’t. But I think, learning to live with it and still being happy will sort of be some kinda achievement.

Wish me luck.

Love you all!

PS – Thank you everyone – those who get my sulking voice and others who read my blog and cared to talk to me. It did mean a lot.