Day 3 – a breakdown, but not yet.

by shalinijena

After a long time I cried.

Watched Hayao Miyazaki’s- NausicaÄ of the Valley of Wind today. There were times in the film when I would wonder why do they have this pretentious Indian classical music here. Why do they have to describe emotion with music. Why do they have to be vocal about everything. And after two hours of watching the film, there is only thing that I know matters – content. Rest are just add ons. Made me wonder about those people, who are so passionate in what they believe in. But perhaps the film was not about those people, it was about nature. Just nature. And it was beautiful. I could feel the concern, the pain of an artist who cannot do more than this – but this, this film – is the greatest gift of all. I must tell you before I go back to the lament of my sad life (which you can skip), please do watch this.

So. It had kind of a strange day today. I was lost as usual when I woke up in the morning, not knowing what exactly I want to do with my life. So I go the office which asked me to come back and complete my internship. So I thought if nothing, I can just sit there, work, chill, make coffee, download movies and come back home and watch them. But as I entered, I saw faces looking at me with almost what you call contempt. That was ok, since that thing called ego is something I have long lost. (Don’t you think it is such a useless little thing? Like an annoying mosquito.)

I go inside an empty room and start work. Sorry, I go inside an empty room and stare at my laptop. I don’t know what to do, I think. Then my immediate boss comes in, asked about my plan and I say some shit, never looking directly at him and soon he leaves. And I sit and cry. I cried and cried till I felt numb. I realized that I did not want this. I did not wish to struggle so meaninglessly. This – was not making any sense at all. Why am I doing this? What is this struggle and where is it taking me?

So, I ask that boss of mine to talk to me and since this time I had nothing to lose, I tell him my problem. So it goes like this. “I don’t think this is my cup of tea. Am ready to struggle but this just seems so worthless. I am ready to work hard, but not with something which does not even excite me. No. I cannot do this to myself. If I felt right, I would have. But I don’t. And I feel miserable. I think I need to do a course – on a editing. From FTII or SRFTI to actually make something for myself. Or else, this just seems impossible.”

He listens to me and tells me that I am confused. “You are here and we want you because you do good work.” I say, “But how do I know that if you don’t tell me that?” He says, “Why would I write such long mails to you asking to come back if I did not want you?”

He gave me an off. Asked me to go home, take a break and think about it. And that’s what I am doing right now. But it doesn’t feel any better. How can I keep doing something that doesn’t make me happy? Am I stupid to feel like that? They all say as long as I am doing something, its good enough. Perhaps, tomorrow will be a better day. They say am confused. But how confused can a person really be?

Few days back, a friend asked me to edit a marriage video for him. I said why not. I thought it would be a boring stupid piece of work that I must not take seriously. But I ended up making the film very diligently, because I enjoyed it. By getting to know two people after watching all the footages again and again, I actually started to weave a tale with music, ambience, good shots, right shots, good within the bad shots, beats and more. Not like, I always want to do this. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t when I think I shouldn’t. I can be wrong too.

Food for thought.

God, I need help.