Day 1 – Lets not feel low

by shalinijena

I watched Julie and Julia last night. It gave me an idea – perhaps I should start a blog too. You know like – record all the struggle in it and someday it might be big and if it doesn’t, then atleast it will inspire or encourage/educate somebody to not do the same mistakes that I have been doing. But since I already have a blog – so why not just continue in it.

The story of my struggle in this industry as an editor.

I don’t have a filmy background, I am not from FTII. I am also no genius. And I am here – thinking I could be a great editor someday. I have no idea why my gut seems to be so sure about that. But “good-for-me” I guess.

(I wonder if I would ever have had the time to rant this out if I was actually working. Nevermind.)

So in the course of trying to make myself a ‘something’ in this industry – I have been sitting in the hall below my hostel and trying to figure out what to do with my life. I note down numbers of numerous production houses and their addresses too but I am too jittery to actually face them. And then I fill up profiles on online job forums for an opportunity. Most of them suck, but some turn out to be interesting. When I say some, it means 1 or 2. No. Just 1. Out of 23, by now.

Now everyone tells me – don’t choose Shalini. Just go on. Take whatever comes your way. Sometimes I am even motivated to do that – but then the gut feels so bad that it comes up to my chest and I wanna puke. I feel terrible. And I wonder if I have no respect for work at all. I question myself. The ego gives me a slap – tells me I am a nothing. There is a lot to attain. I must learn from all. But the superego – the superego! How do you control a mind controlled by this dangerous little thing called the superego – it does never let you be happy, cos the bugger always thinks its right. (If your one of the lost people, read this)

I deny them all. The ones I want – I still say no, cos I think they just want to exploit. What am I choosing for?, I ask myself. And then I think – why not.

If I am wrong, I will know that right? So, the moral of the story – to all the confused people out there: I am with you.

A friend who is also  struggling to become an actor (yes, she is hot and no, she is not single) was talking about the various problems, how she KNOWS she has to give atleast 6 months for something to actually happen. The uncertainty quotient was the relative point of discussion. And then she goes like – ‘how do you manage to have such a sense of humour about this? Aren’t you scared? Atleast I can pay my rent.’

I don’t have anything to lose. Not yet.

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