A piece of mind – after a long time

by shalinijena

Sometimes there is no justification to detachment. Today you love something, tomorrow its no more a big deal. Perhaps, they are right – nothing is permanent after all.

I was walking on the hill roads of wellington this morning (Its in Tamil Nadu. That’s where my parents live now), when I realised I didn’t feel like walking more. I used to love walking on those steep hills, run on its slopes, the fresh air numbing on my ears. Now, all I wanted to do was come back home and surf or chat or do nothing. I hated doing nothing. And surf or chat or anything close were also my definitions of doing nothing. Maybe that’s why walking was so much fun – it took more time and made me feel like I was doing something with my life.

I was into a lot of reading. My agenda earlier involved 2-3 movies a day, surfing youtube for good music and avoiding social network.

I don’t do that anymore. (I still avoid social network though. Just this time I don’t really have to try.)

But then I never used to talk to my parents. Or sit with my dad and laugh at all the complaints he had in store about Mom. I had never thought that I would actually miss them. Not too much, but still.

Things have changed, changed so much.

It would be lying to say that I don’t write anymore. Its true that I don’t blog, the occasional posts that I write come up on a film blog that I made sometime back with hardly any viewers at all. My justification to this non – indulgence was that films had taken over everything else in life. Films was what I lived, talked and even dreamed of. For a long time, I have been believing that, so confident and sure.

Now, I think I might have been wrong.

Films had changed me a long time back. This time its the city. When I came to Mumbai, I was shit scared. It would be funny to say that I am still not. I told everyone that I loved the city – ‘it was awesome’, ‘its so fast that I don’t know where time flies’, ‘I can’t ever think of leaving this city’ and blah. blah. more blah.

You suppress yourself only when you want to protect the within. I was scared of not being accepted, of having to struggle like I did when I joined AIESEC (that’s a long story that you don’t wanna know. In short, the organisation greatly fucked up the little self confidence I had). I was scared of pretty people, people who talked effortlessly, people who were unbelievably confident and people, people – just so many people.

I stopped talking and everytime I tried being what I used to be (for reference – absolutely crazy), it was followed by deep regret. There was no expression called spontaneity in life, everything so very calculated, every emotion measured and words, words were just verbose. Somehow, it works in this strange world – as long as you shut yourself, your safe.

I don’t know if this is right, if I am ok, if this is what I want to be like – what can I do? I used to be a Clementine Kruczynski and I don’t know who I am today. I didn’t want to be pitied because I hadn’t had the lifestyle my fellow “cool bros” had, so I kept quiet – let the air of unfamiliarity give me a reason to ‘change’ myself. I heard discussions about women, about the perfect women, about beauty and about perfect beauty. Sometimes, I expressed. Most times I didn’t.

I loved the discussions on films or life or people or nature – as long they had nothing to do with me. The moment it was about me or where I needed to speak my heart out – I would withdraw into my shell. Meaning, afraid – of everything.

For all I know, if there is a solution, its in the within. Little by little, step by step. However vague the aforesaid is, I think I needed some guts to even talk about it. Perhaps, its important – for me or for somebody out there who feels the same. Whatever it is, its good – a tiny part of a long life – a memory, a phase recorded right here.

I had my own life to contend with and as anyone who has lived knows, one little life demands as much attention and steering as an entire nation.

~ The Alchemy of desire

It doesn’t mean I am more important than the nation, it just kinda helps me justify the ranting.

Cheers to this little, long life.

PS – I missed this.  : )