Sometimes I am lost.
I am lost in the glories of past.
The long gone feelings we call love.
In the midst of knots and relentless ties.
Sometimes I am lost –
because the tragedy of truth hurts more than lies.
We don’t chose to be who we are. Even if we could, would we know what to chose? This conflict of “understanding me” is a tricky thing. It takes time, it takes patience and – impatience too. If you are not impatient enough to know what you are, then how will you be patient enough to not be what you don’t want to be.
Well, its no baby talk. There is a point to it, that am soon coming to. I like to take the long way road, right or wrong.
Sometimes there are things you love. They are your best friends that you think you can never get enough of, never get rid of. You want them around you all the time and sometimes when you don’t, its only because you need to take a break. A break is all you need to get back to things you love.
And then it starts to fade. The lovely timbres of your one true love starts to reveal what’s underneath it and you are repelled. You think about it, but not much. Its not that you can’t think – the truth is you don’t want to. You want to be happy the way you were, even sad the way you were. You want things constant and that is not because you love it, it is cause you are used to it. Like a river is with its flow, knowing every time where it wants to go..
But the course changes. It has to. There are too many ‘external forces’ – things that you can’t control and if you do, it will gift you with nothing less than destruction and chaos. Like it did for the suryavanshis?
Its hard to get over an obsession (it is an obsession right?). It starts with the juiciest upshots, only to make you crave for it more until you squeeze it upto saturation. It will wrinkle and dry infront of your eyes, which – will hurt. Everything is a fruit. To think of it – everything.
Its what you dream of – that keeps you going. That wants you to want to wake up every day and make good use of it, taking you a little closer to your illusions of perfection. You might call you jobless, but honestly you are nothing right now because you don’t know what to do – to be “perfect”. You’re not jobless because your mind never stops thinking. Think about your dream, not about fulfilling it – rather, what it really is. Is it success? Is it fame? Love? Or beauty?
Is it all of it?
And after you have thought enough, think about your past. If you really want to change something, retrospection is the key. There is no greater peace or achievement that I have known. I am just a mere spectator too – in a beautiful morning, with hope blended in a strange tranquillity. And that is how I feel every morning that I get up from my bed. And that is how I want to feel for the rest of my life. Even with the void, there has to be peace. Of all the vague I talk of, there is one concretion that only grows to be stronger – the pain of reality, the pain of ephemerality.
It has to be a good day..