Lots of love, Shalini :)
So many times, in these two years I have just wanted to sit infront of my white VAIO, open my blog and write a new post. Its always random. Just a thought that shapes into a poem. Or a scene in my head that becomes a story. Or a beloved film that ends up being a review.
I have no tragic memories of the past. Every disaster is so distant that I feel untouched by the calamities of the world. I know that sounds dramatic, but despite every tiny problem I don’t have, I am not happy. Honesty used to be my strength and now it has become my weakness. Atleast, that’s what they say.
They tell me not to share who I am, to hide my true self, because that will make me interesting. I thought I was. Or was not really in this world? All those things I loved about myself have become a memory trapped in little notes of this blog.
I am in that stage of my life where I am going to be on my own. And its scary. Exciting maybe (Only if I had Clementine’s impulsion and Dr. Mierzwiak, I would be so happy. So immature of me right? Yea, I know..). Scary because as I grow up, I see things I didn’t think I would. And it affects me just like it used to affect those people I wanted to stay from. Its repulsive, this world, but I gotta live in it. I am not a winner. Never have been. But I want be now. I don’t know what it means to win, but someday in my own way – without the hypocrisy, without the tastelessness of my prize, I want to win.
I like to think I am tired. But I am not. There is so much inside me, that is unsaid, unfelt, unforgiving. People, friends, people, friends. It is them am so tired of..
While I write this, I try to change and then question myself if I really should.. I don’t want to be that smart girl who looks stupid because she doesn’t pretend because I am a disaster whenever I do that.
I am lost. I think about the choices that I made in life and all of a sudden, none of that makes sense. I used to wonder how I just get to meet the right people around me. And here I am, thinking about them and I am lost, all over again. Who did I become friends with? Who did I fall in love with? Who did I had an affair with? Who did I care so much about?
I want to undo. But I can’t. Its not in my nature. No matter how much I try, I cannot let go of it. You might say that maybe I shouldn’t. But then you are not me. And I am so happy for you dear..
Today I saw a couple in a bike, the girl hugging the guy from behind. Not really a rare sight but what made my heart skip a beat was the guy taking her hand and holding it, softly caressing her. I wanted to cry. Just looking at both of them, I wanted to bury my head and just be happy.
Do I want that?
Honestly. I have no idea. I am dissatisfied with every damn thing in life. May be love would make me happy. True love. But then I talk a lot of shit. I feel its time for me to retire from this blog. I don’t know if I’ll ever come back. There are too many memories in here of who I can’t let go. And I feel, its time to move on and start anew. A different life, with different people and a different me.
To old life, but a new beginning 🙂