Kasturba in a broken shell
“I don’t want to know you.”
“Are you scared that you’ll fall in love?”
She tilted her head to look at him. Properly.
She then had a funny smile on her face. “First, I won’t. Second, you didn’t get any other line?”
“Same to you.” He said that almost immediately, looked away and looked at her back again. She was staring at him.
“What?” She asked him.
“‘I don’t want to know you.’ Seriously?”
“Yea.” She laughed like she was amused. “Seriously!”
They were silent for a while, until he got up. And Kasturba looked up at him.
“I want to sit here for sometime.”
“Then I am going.”
“To my place?”
“No. To mine.”
For half a minute, she couldn’t say anything. And then she found her voice. “Ok.. Bye..” She smiled and she was red.
As she looked away, he stood there for sometime and then took his seat beside her.
“Someone doesn’t want me to leave.”
“All your life you try to avoid my community with pricks for what? To find the right one? Don’t you think you are too used to all the denying that you can’t see that your pushing people away?”
“First of all, trust me – not all my life. Second, you have no idea.”
She kept looking ahead.
“Do you hate yourself?” He asked.
“I used to. Yea”
“So you love yourself now?”
“I am cool”
“Are you better?”
“Hell no!” She laughed it away. “But definitely, I feel I am in a better part of the world.”
“Where you don’t feel like a loser?”
“Yes.. Exactly.” She looked at him and smiled. “Did you do your Phd on Women psychology?”
“No. I did my diploma in crime psychology and there was a serial killer who had the same symptoms as you.”
“Hmm. Did you have sex with her?” She got him. He stared at her, speechless. And she suddenly laughed.
“You guys sure think from your dick.” And she got up and started walking away from him.
“Is this why you avoid them? Guys.” He caught up with her. “Ever tried being a lesbian. It should be perfect for you.”
She stopped and turned to face him – “I so wish!”
He stared at her. That deep stare..
“Are you thinking about it?” She asked him, surprised.
“Maybe in a very tiny corner of my grey matter..” And then he raised eyebrows.
And they both started laughing.
“Why are you doing this to yourself?”
“You really wanna know why?”
“No. I just like to ask questions for no reason at all.”
She stared into his as he stared into hers.
“Because I disappoint myself all the time. I tried for years to be ‘me’ only to realize that I suck. And trust me, I would rather be somebody else than not be accepted for what I am.”
“What are you?”
“Insecure. Wannabe. Gullible. Somebody with no self-respect. A hopeless thinker. A sad person. Still like me?”
“Did I ever tell you that I liked you?”
“You were curious about me. Now you needn’t be. Happy? Do me a favour. And leave me alone.”
And she walked away from him.
“You’ll come back.”
“I know.” And she kept walking as he stood behind.
“Then why leave?”
And for the first time in her life, she said what she wanted to say for a long time, to every guy she had ever met, to every guy she had ever fallen for, to every guy who looked at her with lust and thought she should be proud about it. She looked at him and said:
“Cos I am too good for you. And most importantly – I don’t want you.”