Kasturba wonders about men

by shalinijena

Sometimes she gets lonely. Music, movies, even people – nothing helps. Those days are usually the depressing ones. But, she tries not to make an issue out of it. Life is only fair. And she is trying, her best..

There are people, some people who she likes to talk to sometimes and loves to stay away from them other times, most times.

Am I a loner? She asked herself. What am doing? Am I sad?

Whenever she thinks about being sad, everything starts surprising her. From the home theatre system she managed to buy to sitting in her cosy sofa, legs stretched on its extended surface, doing her work, work she likes to do. Was she sad? She may not laugh a lot like she used to, but there are moments for that too. But they are forgettable.

She stares at the ceiling for sometime and wonders..

I have a good job.
People like me.
I eat well, look well, drink well and sleep well.
I am neither exploited in my workplace nor do I find anything too boring.

She scratched her head. Maybe her problem was that she had absolutely nothing to complain about. She thought about it for sometime. Yea.. Maybe.. There was one thing she was always afraid to answer though, even to herself. Was she in search of love?

………

…………

…………..

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Oh. Shut up. Not again! Shut up Kasturba! JUST SHUT UP!

Shit. Ok. Did she need somebody, she wondered – in horror.

Oh God. Am going to die without love.

But she was confused again.. She was in a city where hot, charming, intellectual or all of the above exist, in like every road, some fucking, some pursuing – to fuck and others, maybe watching porn or online dating or drinking, hanging out, making out – everything with two intentions to fuck and to not get bored. And here she was, wanting nothing.

Sure, you don’t want it?

Hell, yes! She wanted it too. But she didn’t know how. Charming guys creep her out, intellectual ones tried to make a dummy out of her and thought that was charming, happy go lucky guys smiled too much, made her laugh and she liked being with them, until they start being one of the above too. There was a time 10 years back when she didn’t go with her guts. She did what she wanted to. And she had her fun. Lot of it. She was messed up and so was everybody. She didn’t want to be what she used be, anymore.. She grew up. She saw men, not love. She saw insecurity, not love. She saw restlessness, definitely not love.

When it comes to men, why do I feel like there is nothing left to see. When it comes to sex, why do I feel it must be boring? Why don’t they interest me like they used to?

Men. She wanted to laugh and maybe she did, for sometime (weird!). What was she thinking all those years? She loved them, these men. Still does. But she doesn’t want them, cos she feels she has seen every variation available on this planet. Men who fall for her cos she is different, men who fall for cos she sweet, men who used to fall for her cos she was naughty, men who used to fall for her cos she got drunk. Men who fall for her intelligence, cos they think most girls are dumb. Men who used to fall for her nerves, cos they thought they could get laid. Men. They are essential and so, so, so boring.

All this randomness comes with a gift of expression. And she has it. She will get over it by tomorrow. Or the day after. Or maybe she won’t, for good. Because she is a lucky bitch. Always. She has a lot to figure out and surprisingly what scared her more is.. She may not be alone forever..

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