A hurt Kasturba

by shalinijena

I don’t even know what my fault is. I don’t know what to say.

After a long stretch of silence, Kasturba answered – Then please don’t.

And she hung up.

She was angry. Upset. Disappointed. And hurt, terribly. There was nothing in the world that could make her feel better. She closed eyes and cried for sometime, but only in silence.

A few minutes (or maybe hours, who knows?) she regained her composure and waited for the telephone to ring. It didn’t. She checked her cell phone, there was a new icon in the inbox. She Ok-ead the button to check – only to find that none but Airtel messaged.

She threw her phone away. There was nothing to talk about, she grumbled to herself. Her friend, she called him. Bullshit. She wanted to spit on herself. She wanted to scorn on her misery. Loneliness is a gift and she had thrown it away because of some “friends” who listened to her pouring her heart out? She scoffed at her weakness. She promised herself to never let go off her true self, she promised herself to never make the mistake to care so much – any more. No, not any more, she told herself squeezing her eyes even tighter.

Is it wrong to expect in friendship? Is it wrong to expect in love? Is it a mistake to “know” that they will come for you, no matter what happens. I would have… Then why can’t I expect the same, she asked herself again and again!

I remember that evening when he walked away from me. I ran after him, called his name out in the darkness even though I knew he would never turn back. I had hurt him and maybe not intentionally, I had to make it right. I had to apologise for even ignoring him. I had to apologise before it was too late.

She scribbled and scribbled in her diary, which was untouched for quite sometime now.

Loneliness is a gift. Use it well. Someone had told her. Maybe that someone too was a figment of her own creative imagination. She who thinks what she wants to – that is Kasturba – a soul driven under nobody’s reigns but her own.

Maybe she was in need of comfort from the people who claimed to love her so much. Maybe she needed them to come to her, to tell her where went wrong and give her a chance to express how much she loved them. Or maybe, she was just having her period.