An extract from the diary of a hopeless lover

by shalinijena

Dear Diary,

Around a week back, squatting on my bed and talking to a friend over the phone, I promised myself to never fall in love, to live just for myself and be happy that way.

Today, I don’t know who I am. It was like an accident. Our love was an accident. He was online and he saw my green dot. For the first time after a heart breaking break up he spoke to a near stranger girl. This was not the first time we were talking you see. We had met before in his younger brother’s birthday party who is my classmate. Back then he gave me an older brother feeling. He was all – funny, sweet, cordial, committed and a little bit of a show off in the way people actually like.

He caught me a littleย off-guardย with his first ‘hi’. Why would he ping me, I thought. I replied back and soon I realized he was single. He flirted a little bit and then asked for my number. I said this is too fast. I wanted to know him more. He waited for some time and then asked me a simple question – How will you know me if you don’t talk to me?

And the next day I gave him my number. That evening he called. We talked almost the entire night and I slept all dizzy, confused, scared and nervous. He wanted us to be something. Somewhere deep inside I wanted that too. But I was not ready to admit it. Too fast, I told myself.

We spoke again the next day and he said he was falling for me. Me too, my heart whispered back. But I said nothing. Too fast, I told again.

Now I was less afraid but more nervous. We were going to meet soon. He asked me out and I said yes. As I smiled waiting for his reaction, he said – So thursday you will be mine.

It still breaks my heart or rather makes it swell with unconditional happiness when I think of him, when I think of how I fell for him and everyday how I love him even more. Love builds everyday, he said.

The day before I met him, I couldn’t sleep. I wanted to find every possible reason to not like him, to get repelled and not try something which can never happen. I can’t fall in love, I told myself. Not me, not now, no – I forced myself to think. I conditioned myself to not like him even before I met him.

And we met. At first I jotted down in my head everything that came across my mind, everything I don’t want. Self obsessive, too smart, too dumb, too romantic, someone who lives in the world of fantasies – I don’t want all that, I told myself.

As we sat in Cuba Libre, across each other, looking into each other’s eyes, he took my hand, he told me it felt right, he told me about his dreams, he told that he wanted to see me in it. He broke my heart. He broke my conditioned heart. I didn’t even say it, but he knew, he knew I was in love with him too.

Love builds, he says everyday. It does, I agree with him. Because, everyday I love him more than I did the previous day. Here I am, all alone in my room, trying to recollect every moment with him and when I do, I don’t want to share it – it is all mine, he is all mine…

I know this is just the beginning and what a beginning it is…

A Beautiful Past..

P.S – I found this buried in one of the many pages of my diary. Worth sharing I believe.. ๐Ÿ™‚