Some problems have just one solution – Time.
I woke up when everyone was asleep today. I kicked off my day with a fresh start, a nice morning, a smile on my lips. Oh yes, I read today, a lot actually and that – makes me happy. Very happy. And then my Mom woke up.
I said goodmorning. She said nothing. I said I wanted to watch ‘English Vinglish’ – I heard its a great movie. She said nothing. Wassup with her. I thought. But then I knew. Whatever. I left.
Few minutes later as I sit in front of my system reading some more, she drops by to clean my shoes in the lower drawer beneath the wardrobe. Yes. She does ALL my work. No, I wash my own undergarments. Sometimes, not even that. But yea, I am a spoil brat. What can you do?
Anyway, she comes and she starts murmuring – to me, from a distance. “You have hurt papa.” Here it comes.
‘Hmmm’ I said. ‘Do you even care?’ She asked me. ‘Of course you don’t. You don’t care about anything.’ She grumbled some more. I turned around to face her, to look at her properly.
‘If I don’t care, then what – in – the – hell was I doing at that stupid party yesterday? You know I hate them. The only reason I went was because YOU people wanted me to.’ I told her.
‘Yes. And you came back also. Do you realize how much hurt he was?!’ Her eyes were red. I was surprised actually. Did I commit a felony by walking out of a party there?! I don’t know if it was out of cold or tears.
Cold, I guess. In my entire lifetime I have seen her cry only when someone dies and that too that ‘someone’ who is not just anyone and must mean a great deal to her. No. They were not tears and if they were, I would ask God to kill me. Tears for this? Yes, kill me please.
‘No mom! I don’t realize how much hurt he is! I don’t understand why he should be. I don’t like so many million things he does. But I don’t pester him for not doing them or doing things that he should. Why? Because THAT IS NOT HIM.’ She didn’t look at me. Her face, seething with anger didn’t give away even half a cent of understanding. Angrier than ever, I controlled my voice. ‘Why is it so hard for you to accept me the way I am. I never intend to hurt anyone. I try my best to become a part of that social life. But I don’t enjoy it. Mostly its forcible. And when I can’t push myself any longer, THIS happens. I walk out. What else do you want me to do?! Change myself and become you? Or worse, HIM?!’
She looked up suddenly. ‘Don’t you dare to! I told him leave this girl alone. She doesn’t care.’ I gave an unbelievable sigh but she ignored and continued still. ‘But – he won’t understand. I ask him to be happy without you. But what he can’t!’
I was hopping mad at her but when its comes to papa, its hurts me to think I can do nothing to make him feel better.
‘Mom. I don’t want to hurt him. But I can’t be anybody else. I can’t do what I hate. I can’t be with people I don’t like. Do you understand?’
‘You don’t like anybody. You are hopeless. When you’ll be all alone and miserable in life, then you’ll know.’
‘Why in the hell will I be alone!? Mom. You’re making me sick. Get out of here.’
Still with red eyes and a pale face, she says – ‘Oh. We will, if that’s what you want.’
‘No. I don’t want that. I want time. Right now, I just want you to understand. But, you can’t. So, its no point talking about it. Leave me alone. Please. And ask Papa to take petty things less seriously. If he can’t, then there is nothing I can do. I am sorry.’
As she walked, sorry – stormed out of the room, I wondered- How long can I take this? But then – what the hell. People take so much shit in the world. This anyway is the least of all. Whatever.