This one’s for you baby..

by shalinijena

Insecurities are the worst God-made feeling. It is like a rope strangling you. You are not choked but you can’t breathe either. I am having cold these days, but I don’t think it has anything to do with the weather. The better justification is maybe I am just paranoid. There is a tight knot in my stomach and I don’t know how to undo it. If love is the best feeling in the world, then why am I not happy? I am actually, but only when he is around. Rest of the times, I fear losing him. I don’t think I will even want to live if he did. No. The pain is just too much.

Questions are like bullets in my mind. They go past me, the wind in charge and I am dumbstruck. I am paralysed. I can’t act upon the ambush. I hate feeling so helpless. What did I do to deserve this? My mind is exploding! My feet can’t stop shaking. My lips part to say something but there are no words. There are no words at all. What is right and what is wrong, everything has gone to dogs now. It’s like my past reeling towards me. It’s like a recording in my head. Not a déjà vu. I know this has happened before. Happened to someone else when I was in that side where he is now. I have done what he is doing to me now. I have done that. I have promised and I have left. I fear it will all come back to me. I fear that God is just. I fear that He is punishing me. And I was asking why I deserve this. Of course, I deserve this! If not me, then who?

Every time I close my eyes, his face is like a flash, his smile soothing me a bit and then the pain returns. When he loves, I feel like there is nothing else I want from life. God – I am your favourite, ain’t I? That’s what I think, yeah. And when I feel less loved, when I feel loved only because he very badly wants to – the world’s sadness overwhelms every happy thought in me. How hard is he trying, I wonder. Is it the most difficult thing for him? To love me?

The past is like roaring against my ears! You have gone through what he is going through now, honey! I want to close my ears. I don’t want to believe a word. But the world’s experience has taught me one thing above anything else – to never ignore a gut feeling. To do according to what it says or not is an entirely different story. I feel like I am in that stage when the lesson is still on. At the end of it I don’t know who will be more heart broken.

I am not a negative person. But when I write today, it’s like all the world’s negativism surrounds me.

No. That is not true. I am living now. I know. I am loving now. Loving so much – that my feet has left my ground. I can do that for a lifetime baby. I want to tell him that. I can love you like no one else has ever done. And you will always know that – someday in life when all your belief has broken, this will be your only faith. Yes, I can love you that much, maybe much more than that.

What I cannot do is lose myself. Don’t let me lose myself. Let me come to you with a smile – a happy smile, the one in which I am beaming, not a lost, sad one. Let me help you get over your pain. Love me, not because you want to, but because you really do. If you can’t, then wait for a minute – put your life on a pause and think what you’re doing. I will not leave you. I know you won’t too. There is love, even in your pain. Let me come closer to you, don’t flinch away – it hurts me more than the thought of you leaving me. It shatters my faith in us.

You are not crazy about me. Not yet. You like to be with me because you love me, I believe that. But you are not crazy like I am, I know that too. You have given yourself before and now that fate took everything you believed in away from you, you don’t know where you stand. I know that sweetheart. Love can be so cruel, who will know that better than you?

But here is something I want you to understand – I have been on your side. Maybe by listening to my gut feelings I could have avoided breaking someone’s heart. I could have avoided this guilt, the unending guilt of shattering someone’s belief in one weak moment. I have been where you are. Don’t misunderstand me. It is not your past am talking about, it’s the present. I know how it is. I know how it is to be loved so much and not be able to give it back even if you want to. It’s a terrible feeling, I know..

I have nothing more to say. Maybe some other day…

PS – Good morning to all the lovely people who cared to read this. 🙂