When I look at …

by shalinijena

I have no attitude. I care what people think. Not what they think about me, but about my work. I care too much. And that kinda is not really healthy, I know.

When I look at my blog, I wonder if I care about anything but the hits. I know most of them are from random people who are on google images, searching something “available”  to decorate their website, social site or blog. But still I tend to look at it. I wonder if that is moronic, may be it is. But what the hell, why can’t I be honest about it?

Isn’t it natural? To want to be something you have always wanted to be – to be appreciated for your work.

I am not.

But I like to think I am, with the number of hits. I am sometimes exhausted and I wonder what am I doing. I wonder if I have any sense of time, I wonder if I ever will make sense out of my life.

And then I convince myself that I am just 20, but I know I am just trying not to be a loser. May be it is not time yet to decide that, but I am not even confident about me. I feel aimless, like I am going nowhere. Sometimes the praises rain, those are the happy days. Other times, I am just waiting. To be somewhere new, to be someone new. I am waiting for that transformation, for the love that I will deserve and that will deserve me. I waiting to be chosen without pretense and hoping them to not be just a dream.

My fate – take your own sweet time. I don’t mind. Just don’t disappoint me because of me.