The bad person.

by shalinijena

Why do you apologize? Is it because you realized your mistake? Or because you think hurting others is never something to be proud of?

I apologize to kill the guilt inside me. It’s like a burden I was carrying and with that one word, sorry, woo, it’s gone!

Sometimes we don’t like some people. They might like us and our company, but we don’t… We try to be good, but we just can’t. They care for us, they want to be liked, but somehow, they tend to irritate you and so, you neither care nor pretend to. But, hold on. Does it happen to you too, or is it just me? Gawd. I am a bad person.

But do you know what the worst part is? When you are in need and that person, who bugs you, tests the rest of your patience after a hectic day (and eventually makes you lose it), is the person who comes to your aid. Without saying a word, without expecting gratitude, they just nudge to stand by your side, even when you don’t ask for it. You want anything, a pen, a Xerox, money for petrol, anything.. and they arrange it for you. The building guilt sucks. You don’t want them to help, you would rather wish they were as bad as you were, but how do you say Please I don’t like you, so don’t help me. That is worse, isn’t it?

Few days back, we were frantically working on our last moment preparation for the exam (which is guess is actually the first moment for most mass comm’ers) when a friend came running asking some doubts and when I was answering it, she thought I heard it wrong and asked me to shut up. My expression changed and with a straight face I answered the rest part. But I wasn’t angry, not even a bit. After the exams, I and my friends were lounging cross legged and knees up, on our comfortable library staircases when she stopped by and cutting on the usual hi greetings; she immediately apologized for the morning incident. She had been thinking about it the whole time and was guilty for making the rude remark when I was trying to help.

I do that too. Not a lot though, because most times, I myself am not aware when I hurt people. I suck like the worst pacifier, don’t I?

I have good friends, you see. They do not retort when I am rude, instead, they wait for me to realize it and when I do, I apologize with no further ado and they forgive me. Forgive me enough to forget it forever.. I, somehow, always end up with the best people and hurting them is probably the worst thing I can do. But, what about people I don’t care about? Is hurting them ok? If they really deserve it, then I wouldn’t mind. I mean, come on, I am not a saint. But hurting people who care about you and not vice-versa, is that ok? I shouldn’t think so…

But, one fine morning, I buckled up the courage to listen to all the stupid babbling of the person-who-I-couldn’t-like, just to give vent to my guilt with the healer of all words, sorry. The girl had helped me whenever I was in trouble, and deserved more than the many thank you that I just had to get the burden off me. I did manage to apologize and had been guilt free for hardly a moment, when she decided to screw it up all over again and dude, she is nonstop! I did hurt her but in my defense- she can never change! I wouldn’t want her to. But, I just can’t have that for the rest of my life, can I? Two days later, I managed another sorry and these days, she doesn’t seem to mind what I say or do, and she knows I will end up apologizing. But do you know what really changed? Today, I like her…