SHAJ

dor

11th day is the day
that they say
you will finally leave.
In body and in spirit.
That you will be gone
one last time.
.
.
.
But where will you go papa?

Your blood runs through mine
Your heart still beats
when I close my eyes.

There you are,
on the cement staircase
watching me as I take a walk.

On the balcony
silently cradling on the swing,
hoping that I will come
and sit beside you.

On the bed,
lying so still.
The involuntary smile stretching on your lip,
As I step into the room.

On your wheelchair
pulling me close
your face shivering
your voice quivering

On the back of the cab
your mouth half open
your eyes half closed

On the pyre
Burning away
Now, all ashes

I am seeing you papa,
hearing your voice calling me “babaa..”
Picturing your hand on mine
Not cold as the last time
Warm and strong
holding on
checking on me
once in a while

It is the 11th day
and they say
you will be finally gone.
In body and in spirit
one last time.

But where will you go papa?
Where will you go..

Advertisements

Saudade

I freed myself from you tonight
From the cycle of bitter sweet aches
And roller coaster rides
It was rather unusual –
Our ending.
No shatter
No sound
of hearts breaking
or tearless yelling
And like that
I freed myself from you tonight.

 

A letter to an anxious self

Dear love,

First of all. It is okay.

You have been here before and you have gotten better, haven’t you? So, take deep breaths and remember the following lessons you have taught yourself over this difficult period –

  1. These are just thoughts :
    Anxieties stem from negative thoughts.

    But remember that thoughts are just thoughts and not facts. I know they are convincing as fuck. They are the best illusions you see. Not like any magic you would see anywhere ever! Your mind is so powerful that it can be yours and still be so good at tricking you.. almost like a separate part of your body. I know that can be overwhelming, especially when you are trying so hard to control it.. But you know what? You are trying and you have known through experience that trying never, ever goes to waste. This time too, it won’t.

  2. You are not a mind – reader :
    Wouldn’t it be easier if we just knew what was going on in someone else’s mind? I totally feel you. It would save so much of our time thinking about it and save even more in not trying to think about it! God, I get it. Its exhausting. But you know what? Whatever you do, think or you don’t think – the result is pretty much the same. You can never ever know what is going on in someone else’s mind. You can assume, but you can never know for sure. So, well.. sometimes just accepting that helps 🙂
  3. Your future isn’t bleak :
    Where are you now? Where were you five years back? How many problems came your way and didn’t you tackle them all so fiercely anyway? Didn’t you feel proud of yourself then? Well, just think of how you are going to feel when you get over this. I know, its hard to imagine with the surge of difficult, confusing emotions that you are going through right now. But just for a moment, think of how good it is going to feel, when you can finally see the world around you with your eyes and not just your clouded mind.

    Now, let me tell you – that because you had the strength to imagine it, you are definitely going to get there. Your future is so full of possibilities that you do not even know of. That’s why it’s future right? And I read somewhere,

    It is not important to always be hopeful of the future. You can just be curious about it..

    Be curious, my love. There is so much happiness in the will to know more..

    WB yeats quotes

  4. “Pain in inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
    In a quaint, lovely cafe in Kaza – as we were waiting for our order – this piece of timeless advice from Buddha was just sitting on my table. Perhaps, waiting for all the lost souls like me to read it. You cannot stop someone/ something from hurting you. It will hurt. And it will be excruciatingly painful. I can imagine the pain, because I know you struggle with sharing it too. You fear that nobody will understand.. What can be more painful than that right?I get it.. Well, you can’t stop the pain from coming, but there is something that you can do. You can raise your tolerance to accept it. Spell it out. Say the words that hurt the most. Your thoughts can be irrational but not your feelings. Those are actually your real thoughts. Let them come out of you like one long searing stab in the heart. And when that moment of relief washes over you, tell yourself – Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.IMG-6714-001

    I know it is easier said than done. One way to do it, is to focus on the solutions instead of our problems. You will be surprised how short and sweet those talks with your minds can be. You don’t have to suffer my love. You just don’t..

  5. Don’t be so hard on yourself..
    No realization is implemented overnight. I know we wish that could happen, but it doesn’t work that way. Epiphanies are like a shot of dopamine injected into our minds but when unable to implement them – they can create very strong anxieties, leading to more suffering.In these times, deep breaths again. (Cheesy, but so goddamn helpful.) You are going to make mistakes. Again and again. And it is not because you don’t learn. It is because you don’t intend to learn it superficially. You would rather live your mistakes, feel yourself burn under the sun, as the realization seeps into your being – to stay. It is the only way you can never ever make the same mistakes again.So, don’t be so hard on yourself. As I said, you are trying and you will slip. So many times! But that is okay..
  6. Focus on the journey..
    While I was working on Sanju, there were some personal experiences that had overpowered the beauty of where I was. My father’s battle with cancer only added to further negativity. It took a toll on my emotional state of being. When the film released, there was no part of me that felt happy. Though, I so badly wanted to be..The realization came to me on my trek to Chandrataal. When we first started climbing, it felt just fine. But as the mountain got steeper, the breathing got heavier too. It wasn’t a difficult trek as such but I didn’t think I could make it. I wasn’t fit for it, I thought. And then I looked back and I knew I had to do this anyway. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. So, I started walking slowly, breathing in and out steadily. After a point, I wasn’t even thinking of the destination – I was just enjoying my own new found strength and ability to see beauty around me. Almost effortlessly, I reached the top – overlooking my sweaty, tired self was the magnificent moon lake. It still gives me goosebumps to think about it. I had never felt so happy reaching any place in my life.
    e7234c69-5b29-4677-89c5-b2a13a2d64a0It made me realize the power of a beautiful journey. When we chose to take care of ourselves, accepting our limitations and problems, while constantly looking around us and being grateful to be where we are – the joy of reaching our goal at the end of it can be so much more gratifying. Not giving up does not always mean to be tough. It can also mean to be unapologetically soft on ourselves.

*Big hugs to me!*

Yours truly..

 

Heart

After the bleeding stops,
and the tears of blood dries upon my heart.
I hope the shell I make
is carefully carved.
For too soft,
trespassers shall insolently pass.
Too hard,
and I might forget
the beauty of this beating heart..

Will never be the same again..

I will never be the same again.

My bones turned to ashes
with the fire you set alight
My body slumped
tasting nothing like the
sweetness of our nights
My eyes, dark and cold
Not turned to coal,
Rather a damp, deep pit you dug inside

I will never be the same again

For when the fire rekindles,
long after the embers of our love burns out.
When the smile from the heart,
reaches the eyes and dazzles
forgetting all pain of our past.
I will think of you as a messiah,
the one who set the flames,
for the phoenix had to be reborn again..

Song for a rainy day

Just for a little while longer
On a wooden porch
and blue skies above.
I will hum a tune
and think of you..

Just for a little while longer
as the crashing waves
play my base
and the pitter patter
my strings
I will weave some words.
Just so,
I can think of you.

For you see,
the gloomy clouds ain’t far away
and the evening light’s about to fade.
So, that’s all I have.
A little while longer
before this heart forgets,
the remnants of those days..

So, when the lights go out
and the song’s about to end
I will take a pause,
close my eyes and picture you from a better time.
With a smile on my face,
a tear down my cheek.
I will finally let go,
as I think of you..

 

An ode

Of all the pain this heart has felt.
It is you,
that hurts the most.
My fingers falter.
Words stop at my throat.
An involuntary sensation grips me.

I have a blood clot in my heart, you see.
The blood that rushed for you.